Crisis
at the Canadian Border - A Prescient Look at the Consequences of a Republican
Win in November
The flood of American
liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past
week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The
Republican Presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left
leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live
according to conservative ideas about the Constitution.
Canadian border farmers
say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming
activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at
night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance
to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the
illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.
He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but
they just keep coming.
Officials are
particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian
border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where
they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these
people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border
patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and
some kale chips."
When liberals are caught,
they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear
retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being
made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink
domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In recent days, liberals
have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised
as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian
immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior
citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in
the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence
Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal aliens are creating an
organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and
renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American
liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa
resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
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